September has seen me getting better. And I’m grateful. The work I’ve been doing has been paying off, and I feel happier, more content with things, especially as I creep closer to having a clear cut battle plan for what the future is going to hold.
So what have I been doing lately?
Well, there’s personal therapy, my physical work, and the personal work I’m tackling.
It’s going pretty well. I’m walking out of there feeling amazing. Last week, I felt like I could CONQUER THE WORLD, which lead to some hilarious discussions with friends about their role in my Cabinet and what my official title would be. (I’m apparently the “Grand Poobah of Earth”, and among my Cabinet, I have a Supreme Ruler of Donuts (also responsible for baked goods and pancakes, with authority to hire subordinates to handle these tasks), and I have Lego King (guess who?), and I have the Secretary of Bicycling Affairs. Clearly, I have a lot of friends who aren’t very interested in responsibility. And that’s okay. 🙂
Yesterday, I went in, thinking I was going to be doing EMDR, but I was running on an hour of sleep, and Greg said that that wasn’t the best place to be in for that. So we talked for an hour. And I walked out of there ready to KICK A HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE. Which was good, because I had to go to the gym and get it going.
It’s weird to walk out of therapy feeling invigorated and ready to DO ALL THE THINGS and not being a weepy basket case, but I like it. I like the way I’m coming around.
The Physical Work
I’ve been riding my bike a lot more this year, which has been helpful. I need to do a couple more commutes this year before the bitter cold kicks in…or I’ll be really upset with myself.
Additionally, I’ve been hitting the weights at the Y now, too. I’m doing the Stronglifts 5×5 program. Free weights, and it starts with an empty bar. I feel pretty stupid doing that, but it’s also making me work my ass off.
My weight is coming down, too. I’m now down to 187.2 pounds. Last week, I was 189.6. That’s the first time I’ve been below 190 in this century. Seriously.
This weekend, I’ll be adding some stuff to the program so that I can start getting a more effective core workout in, too.
My goal isn’t to be huge. I’d like to add some upper body mass so that I don’t look like a teenager anymore, and I’d like to get back to the very-defined state I was in when I left Fort Bragg.
(I guess because it’s physical, I should mention that I’m doing my teeth whitening again soon. Got to stop looking like someone who drinks too much soda. Which probably also requires me quitting soda.)
The Personal Work
In addition to taking a long hard look at myself and what’s happened to me over the past five years — trying to ascertain what I’ve become from what I was and trying to figure out who I want to be going forward (the subject of a blog post that’s forthcoming shortly). To that end, I’m not just looking at how my personality has shifted, but I’m taking a long, hard look at my habits, some of which I need to foster, and some I need to eliminate. It’s been an interesting journey thus far.
I’m already meditating twice daily for 10 minutes per session — once upon waking, and then before going to bed. It’s definitely helped with a lot of things. I feel more level-headed, and more mindful of the small details. Because I’m more aware of those, I am far better at handling the small details and not feeling like I’m running around with my hair on fire.
Lastly, I’m creating again. After so long without really writing anything, it feels good to be tackling it again. There’s some sort of deep-seated need to do this and it’s good that I’m at least to a point where my filter doesn’t have me worrying about what someone else wants me to be doing…for this, anyway. And I’m rocking it so hard, you guys. 35,300 words. Granted it’s rough first draft, but dudes. I am further on this than I have been on anything since leaving college. I get excited and a little bit of the happy tears going whenever I think about it too much. 🙂